Expectations: A Kinder Approach

Expectations have become such a prevalent part of modern culture, that we often take them for granted. We are mostly unaware that we have expectations, much less of what those expectations actually are. It should come as no surprise then, that most of us are unwilling and/or unable to live up to one another’s (or our own) expectations.
Lowering your expectations can bring about more success and foster better relationships in your private and professional lives. We’ve always been told to expect the best out of people, and to hold ourselves and other people to the highest standards. High standards can be a great motivator, both personally and in teams, and it means that the goods and services we provide one another are of the best quality. Those same high standards, however, can be the downfall of your company, or perhaps more importantly, the relationships you have with others.

High standards

Many of us who have very high standards have a little “perfection gremlin” living inside us. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. It means that we produce excellent results all the time, but it also means that we are never happy with them. We can never meet our standards because the bar is set indeterminately high. Nobody can reach it. We don’t even know how high it is because nobody has ever gotten there. It’s great to expect great things of ourselves, but there comes a point when it goes too far, and that’s when we need to redefine something about ourselves. What is ‘great?’ Why get down on ourselves and beat ourselves up for our stellar, but not perfect performance? Why can’t we see our own greatness? Our expectations are obstacles which keep us from being fulfilled.

There’s another problem here as well:

What happens when our impossibly high standards bleed over into other people’s lives? We tend to hold others to the same really high standards to which we hold ourselves. We expect too much of them. We see the greatest of their potential, and want that from them all the time. When we have such high expectations for people, how can they avoid disappointing us? They will never fail to disappoint us until we lower our expectations.

Lower our standards

I’m not recommending that we suddenly drop all our social or professional boundaries, or that we shouldn’t have some minimum standard for others’ behavior, or that we should allow ourselves to be surrounded by unsavory, dangerous people. I’m suggesting that when we lower our standards, when we expect less of the people around us, that we give them the opportunity to surprise us. When we lower our expectations, then the effort people do put forth will never fail to surprise us pleasantly.

Lowering the bar

From impossibly high to realistically high means that we can still ask the same of our friends, loved ones, students, and employees, but we can expect less about what will get done. Then when they are performing reasonably well, they’ll have exceeded your expectations! It’s so much better to give them the opportunity to surprise us pleasantly than to give them a constant forum for failure. When we are able to be kinder with our expectations, then whatever anyone is able to give will be an amazing feat.

Recently observed

I recently observed a homeless lady begging for a meal at the grocery store while I was traveling. A young man went out of his way to go to his vehicle to fetch her a dollar. When he came back he handed it to her, and all she was able to say was “You don’t have a five?” I’m sure that young man was feeling pretty good about himself, giving of his hard-earned money, but the old lady’s expectations only allowed her to be disappointed. That situation left everyone disappointed. The young man thought his efforts were in vain. The old lady didn’t get as much as she expected. And I, as the observer, didn’t get to see what might have been a touching moment of selflessness. Perhaps if she had lowered her expectations, she’d have been no poorer (she’d have still gotten just a dollar), but she’d have been more pleased
The ancient sages told us to suspend our expectations and just allow the situation to happen as it will. When we are kind with ourselves and others, allowing them to do the best they can with what they have in any given moment, then we allow ourselves to be pleasantly surprised. When we give everyone a chance to do their best, they will never fail to surprise us. We might even have a chance to surprise ourselves once in a while.
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LOVE
Dr. Ryan K. Marchman